All that I wanted to say to you but I don’t have the courage to

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All I wanted with this was to feel that I’m not alone, that I’m not crazy for having feelings for you. Feeling that you will not let me.

what scares me is giving me all to you. And not receiving the same in return. which can happen in every relationship. I just don’t want to happen with ours. I had ask for someone who actually sees me for who I am. And I found you. Don’t know why and the universe works in mysterious ways.

in my mind, there is no one compared to you that’s why I fear losing you so much. Probably because all the people that I really love they end up leaving me for some reason. When I met you I was in a really good place, feeling safe and secure but when I got back home was not like that anymore. That made me grow and I don’t feel the need of searching for that feeling of safety anymore. As I’m getting older I’m learning and getting to know me better, and learning to facing things by myself in a better way. I love you, I wish I could say that to you and experience you every day… It kills me hearing you saying what you pass thru and even imagining you making such effort for someone when all im asking is for words. Even if they are not true. But what a fool I am. Asking for lies not true love when I should not sell myself that short. we don’t even know our future. And why we have to talk about it in such early stages. Maybe because I hear people saying that if you love me you would do more, that I’m doing all the work, those things they really stay creeping me on my head. Ahhhhh I wish I could see you in front of me right now! I do know what you talking when you say even if I could feel you or be with you that would make all my doubts vanish… But it is going to take more time and more from us… If you still wanted to be with me… The only thing that still remains the same from that time when we met is my heart. Full of dreams and full of feelings for you… Only if could write all that I think about you. I just have the feeling or the memory of how I feel when I’m with you… The memory of who you are… And oh boy! I’m completely in love for you isn’t that crazy? How can you know in your heart but having so many doubts at the same time! Shouldn’t be easy when you love someone…. Yeehh it is not! It’s even harder. All that I know is that I’m a little fool full of dreams of having the true love thinking that I found it in you but I don’t know. Just time will tell me. Do I want that to be true? Of course I do! More than anything. I just want you to want the same as I want. if I can feel that im secure im in a good place.

Keep going girl!

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Do you guys ever feel anxious? Well, of course, you do! We all do! It’s like a thing in this generation. And I mean it that way because everyone is talking about that and perhaps for those who actually feel that way may think is not a real thing. But it is! And I have to say I feel it a lot. All the worries about my future and the experiences that I lived are always creating in me this gigantic bubble full of weird emotions!

Today I just need it a break, to give myself time, to let me know that I have to love myself and that no matter what I will accomplish everything that I’m dreaming of! Is just that give myself time is not something that I know how to do it and I’m pretty nervous about getting things that I really whant!

For instance, I want to be in the same place where my boyfriend is and I want to be with him. why all that I wanted I have to wait to have it! It’s been always like this since I was a little girl, and right now I know that I HATE the waiting process.

So I keep listening to podcasts where they teach me how to enjoy the process or how to be grateful for this present moment!

After that I fell more calm and try to make it better for myself because this is not a way of living, all these feeling are consuming me and I just need to really learn how grow and become a better person to myself! Note to myself now, today I know it’s being hard being me but one day in the future if you don’t stop, don’t stop dreaming and going after all you always wanted you will be thankful for all this and I hope I never stop learning with my process!

Is really what they say ” What we are waiting for is not as important as what happens to us while we are waiting. Trust the process”

A little Nostalgic

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Today’s post is a little different than the usual. I’ve been listening to a lot to Fleetwood Mac landslide and since I made 25 years last month I’ve been feeling nostalgic a lot. Not only that I feel that my life is passing through my hands and I’m not noticing. I have so many dreams and it feels like my life right now is in limbo. I always dreamed of finding my true love, having a good job something that can full fill me. Being able to help my family especially my mom. And right now that I know all that, and I say that because I feel that besides always knowing what I want I didn’t have made actual plans of how to accomplish all I want in life. So here I’m now. Fighting against all my fears of failure. Today while I was walking my little dog Nina I pass through an old little man and I don’t know why I always admire them not even sure why but I always did. He just catches my thoughts and I saw myself as an old lady thinking if I will look back and think what a full I was when I was younger! And that makes me realize that I think too much about things and instead of analyzing all I just have to do it! Not even thinking twice! Just do it! And like someone said once the future you will thank you for that!

I fell like Belle

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Finally!!!! The day had come! OMG…. I could even sleep the night before my boyfriend got into my country to visit me, yes! I was running, jumping, dancing and everything seems to be just perfect.

So finally I was there at the airport to pick him up.

Ahhhh what a weird feeling, I know I know you guys must think that I’m crazy to say that was weird seeing him, but I just have so many feelings in my stomach that the only word that comes to my mind is weird. And well since I’m a little weird I get to feel weird a lot of times.

We had the most amazing 7 days ever! And at the end of it, I could only get into the conclusion that how perfect we are together. How sweet he is with me and how our decision of staying together besides the distance was a good decision and I wouldn’t change a thing!

But here I’m again, sad and missing him like crazy! And since I think this blog will serve me of a reminder of what I pass through I have to say that I just feel like Bella. I don’t belong to my city anymore, I want to move away…. move to be closer to him. And I never had felt this way before. Although we always talk about me studying there I never ever felt the actual need of doing that in proof of our relationship. What seems to be a good thing in a way, it can be bad in another way. What I’ve been feeling now is that I really don’t belong where I live anymore and that I really want to be where he is. Oh boy… I miss him… Especially because of its only one week after his departure.

Oh and important to say we made our first year together last month and I couldn’t be more happy about it! After he’s visiting me here I imagined all the trips we still have to do and all the places I want to be with him in it.

I know that besides I didn’t feel that I belong where I’m now I need to learn to be patient. Still, get to appreciate the time that I have to be here. One of my past mistakes was putting a stop button on my life and only start living when I was with him. Well that stills is hard for me but you set your goal and try to rich it every day until one day you actually do it.

In the end, I will always miss him until we continue doing LDR (I MISS HIM WHEN I’M ACTUALLY WITH HIM, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?) until one day we are finally at the same continent and can look back and be proud of our relationship. I love him and after one year with him, I can finally say with no doubt that I will always love him.

 

Getting used to. Maybe not

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Almost ten days after I got in my home country and let’s say it’s being a quite of ups and dows. One day you wake up with a love text and think: Ah… the distance is nothing! We could never be more close than now, and this distance is only making our relationship more strong. Other mornings… Ahh! he only texts me “I love you”. Why he is not saying “I miss you!” Or “I can’t stop thinking about you!” Or “without you, my life doesn’t make any sense.”

Yes, I get a little weird sometimes and thank god he is not here to see it. But of course, with all these emotions going on, on my chest, when we got to call each other all that I can do is confusing my poor guy with all these mixed feelings.

Now let’s talk about all these questions and doubts that doesn’t let me sleep, and I’m not gonna lie, sometimes I do question myself if this is what I really want for me. Giving all my time and dedication to someone who is 9 hours a flight away from me. I must be nuts!

When these questions start hauting my head, that’s when I get all confused and mixed, but I have to tell these thoughts they only come when I’m more fragile and desperately needing him. Who says that stay away from who you love is not gonna hurt you. Nobody! And your first instinct is to run away from pain, so I start to doubt about us. But then i remember all we live together and how good we are together! I remember the person he is and oh boy! At that moment I have no dought.

Everything is fine now I finally get in the conclusion that I really love him and I will go to the end of the world to stay with him, right? No! STILL MISSING talking about when i think that he is the one who doesn’t wanna this relationship… and here we go but on the opposite side. Me making sure he really loves me and he really see something special in us.

About that I have to say he is the best boyfriend I could ask, and I know because the way he is I could never try to do an LDR with anybody else. I know that for now it’s a little complicated and missing him on my daily basics sucks… But in the end, I truly fell deeply in my heart that he is the one and when a girl has that feeling she will fight for her love!

Just like Ariel did. She was not from the human world but she made everything that she could possibly do to be with the one that she loves! It’s not going to be an easy path but who says easy things are the best ones. This is pretty hard but 100 percent worth it!

After he calms me I fell more close to him hoping I don’t get crazy or weird again waiting for these days pass as fast as they can!

7 days left

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I still have 7 days before I leave my boyfriend and take the plain back to my country. That’s what’s happens when your love has a visa time. But let’s start at the beginning. Everything happens when I was on my second trip to FL and I decided to meet new people. Well, barely I knew I was about to bump into him. This handsome 6.3 tall man with his beautiful blue eyes. Besides that with a huge precious heart like a rare stone. We fell for each other instantly. And what you do in those cases? The answer is LDR. Which brings me here. I’m already feeling the bad parts of it and I have to tell it’s not good. Every time he goes away I can feel the pain in my heart. You try to control it. But its undeniable. For example, we were 5 months without each other and as soon as I lend here was magical! I was thinking: “I have the whole time in the world with him”. A month goes by and you look back. Oh! I better start being more with him (not that we were all the time together, but you get it 😋), do more, build more stuff with him… Make more memories! Then I only have 1 more month (i was in FL for 2 months) and then its now… The last 7 days of those magical 2 months with him. I guess it is what my grandmother used to say to me “if you find the love of your life nothing can break you guys apart” and that’s what an LDR is. If you survive is because was true love. Well, that’s all that I can hope for because I can’t wait to share all of me with him in this crazy adventure!